After hearing a particularly amusing stalker story, I have decided to give all wannabe stalkers out there a crash course to this much maligned activity… I am no stranger to stalking having fallen prey to some weird crushes when I was young and had nothing better to do.

But, first, and I hope you can forgive me for saying this, but I think stalkers in this day and age are wimps.  I mean, come on, you log on to Friendster (or any other social networking site), search for the name of the person you are obsessing about and voila, instant information! No sweat. During my stalker days, I had to do everything the traditional way. There was even a time that I went to Mass every Sunday just to get a glimpse of the object of my obsession, making careful calculations on where I should place myself especially during the “Our Father” part (where the churchgoers where required to hold hands) and the “Peace be with you” part (where the churchgoers were required to face each other in greeting).  Stalking before actually required guts, mathematical calculation, and strategic thinking.

Disclaimer: There are actually two types of stalkers: the harmless  ones where I used to belong (harmless being contented with obsessing from afar and totally aware that the obsession will not be reciprocated) and the harmful ones (those suffering from insanity or delusions of grandeur… in short, these are the stalkers with restraining orders under their belt…)

So anyway, the first step to stalking is to know the appropriate theme song for your object of obsession (which we will refer to as “stalkee” from hereon). I have compiled a list of songs which deals specifically with stalking. Please note that your choice of song reflects the category of stalking that you belong to…

 

  1. Wala Nang Pwedeng Magmahal Sa’yo (aka The Stalker Song) from the Itchyworms’ Noontime Show album

This song tells of an obsession from a point of view of a fan. For fan stalkers, same type applies as the one indicated in the disclaimer. There is nothing wrong with fantasizing a threesome with your favorite actors or actresses, however, there is something seriously disturbing when you start sending them marriage proposals and then threatening them if they rejected you.

 

2.       Your House by Alanis Morissette from the Jagged Little Pill album

 

To those of you who happen to have a cassette tape of Alanis Morissette’s breakthrough album (her best one, IMO), Your House is hidden on the B-side track list. This song is both haunting and painful and Alanis singing this acapella is enough to send goosebumps all over your body. However, no matter how beautiful this song is, let us not forget that this is about someone who went to the house of his/her object of obsession and started imagining them together to the point that the stalker even wore the stalkee’s clothes, smelled his cologne and basically made a mess of the stalkee’s house.

 

3.       The more you ignore me (the closer I get) by Morrissey from the Vauxhall and I album

 

This is for the proactive stalker. Just look at these lyrics:

 

Beware !
I bear more grudges
Than lonely high court judges
When you sleep
I will creep
Into your thoughts
Like a bad debt
That you can’t pay
Take the easy way
And give in
Yeah, and let me in

 

See. For the stalker who knows what he/she wants and knows that the quickest way to the object of his/her obsession is through fear and intimidation.

 

4.       Spiderwebs by No Doubt from the Tragic Kingdom album

 

I’ve read from somewhere (I’m not sure if it’s from an online article or the album sleeve of No Doubt’s greatest hits album) that this song was based on a man who used to call Gwen Stefani for hours to recite bad poetry to her. Although this song was written from the stalkee’s point of view, it still provides us with an insight on how, through sheer “kakulitan”, a stalker can annoy the living lights out of the stalkee. Remember that for stalkers who belong to the second category (the harmful ones), annoyance of the stalkee is a positive reinforcement.

 

5.       Every breath you take by The Police from the Synchronicity album

 

This is the national anthem of all stalkers. Enough said.

 

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you

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